We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
New favorite tiktok
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
i think both sides are to blame here
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter