@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

You Might Also Like

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@Darlainky

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

@jonnysun

be careful tonight honey, guys ur age only want one thing…. sports. so b careful not to look too much like sports out there