we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

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Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?


interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death


If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more


Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.



1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait


*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*