@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

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@caaataclysm

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@andlikelaura

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@sixthformpoet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*