we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

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I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…


Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.


What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.


Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.


[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff


Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.


One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators


I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.


I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.


be careful tonight honey, guys ur age only want one thing…. sports. so b careful not to look too much like sports out there