we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
This makes total sense…
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Bit chilly again tonight.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?