we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
President The Rock Obama
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.