We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?