Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
three things we don’t talk about
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.