When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
2: Where mommy?
Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.
2: Mommy is meat?
Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.
2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road
2020: gonna have to eat my horse
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.