@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

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@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@StellaRtwot

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@envydatropic

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

@ibid78

I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.

@AsgardianRose

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

@attheUC

Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.