We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor


We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.


My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.


Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.


I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.


“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.


I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.


Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.