@Sophie2078

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

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@unravelingfire

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@BoogTweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

@iGreenMonk

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@MissHavisham

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

@stevevsninjas

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

@Cheeseboy22

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.