We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
then why did i get this email
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.