If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I’d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.