We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Well, that didn’t work.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill