“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.