We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*


BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive


Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.


How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.


I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.


I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.


So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.