@impaulmccoy

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

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@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

@BobbiStonewall

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.