We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“I’m helping” 😅
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No