We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂