@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

- @ScottLinnen

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@elle91

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

@SoVeryBritish

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

@TheTrueCam

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@amyjcordova

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

@DaddyJew

Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?