@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

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@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@mcclure111

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@sixfootcandy

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@VodkaThursday

Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to “If you’re happy & u know it” for thirty minutes… In case u need help writing that novel

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@Taller_stories

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

@SaulKewl

honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary