We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A woman drives into a bar.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.