Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

Get in loser we’re going crying

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

*ernest hemingway voice*

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?