@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

- @XplodingUnicorn

You Might Also Like

@RumAndReeses

My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain

@runolgarun

that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

@laurab3

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.