We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Oh my god
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The three genders
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.