“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.