“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens