We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.


[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea


Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”


“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.