We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

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Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*


Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?


always good to put one of those Apple stickers that comes with ur iPhone on your car so thieves know which car to break in to.


Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.


My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.


unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]


Cop: Why were you speeding?
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.