@Brampersandon_

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

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@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

@Parker_Simpson

always good to put one of those Apple stickers that comes with ur iPhone on your car so thieves know which car to break in to.

@_wangwe

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@Darlainky

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

@NapVeg

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.