We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
There is wisdom there.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?