@thegallowboob

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

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@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@occupied_stall

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@brynnester

Man: But both my eyes are bad

Inventor Of The Monocle: And?

@causticbob

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@msdanifernandez

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops