@thegallowboob

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

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@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@markydoodoo

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

@dugglebutt

“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset

@madameanthro

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

@BigBec43

*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*

@4evrmalone

met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it

@HatfieldAnne

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.