“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.


*answers phone call from boss*



Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.


i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”


“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset


One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.


*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*


met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it


Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.