“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.