We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
lost dog
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.