We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
The news
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.