We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.