We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
You Might Also Like
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I am, perchance
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.