@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

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@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.

@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

@mikeym00n

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

@SaraMansford

Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza!

Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let’s get it!

Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@Kyle_Lippert

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore