“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”