@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

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@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@kate_smithxx

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@iLikeCatShirts

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

@internetluke

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!