We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done


Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.


My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.


“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.


I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.


She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that


I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..


Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.