We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Sniffing the broccoli
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.