We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

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Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.


For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.


Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.


My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.


Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???


Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.


HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?


Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.


[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?


Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!