@sophielou

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

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@UniqueDude2

[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@chaselyons

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@Bandersnaaatch

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working

@jimmytorosian

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?

@jake_lach

*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?

@Sheginger

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.