[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
And shoot enemies ?
*Dive rolls across the room naked
Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.