We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great