*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
when nothing goes right… go left
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.