*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Siri, fight Alexa.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
moms in horror movies
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Ha
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know