@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

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@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

@StellaRtwot

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

@TheToddWilliams

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@pan_duh

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.