We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]