Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before