We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Cats are still liquid.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*