We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.