“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother