“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
normalize having existential bread
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be