@HuffPostComedy

We like the way Dwight thinks

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@panmidwest

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

@KenJennings

Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@iGreenGod

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@fro_vo

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

@fightgeek

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

@noellebean

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.