we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
how to market bottled water to dads
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Pee pressure > peer pressure
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
cry laughing at this shit
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad