we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
What’s a Messi?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.