@Miz_Mental_Case

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

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@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@jonnysun

crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.