We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Interior design 👌
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane