We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You Might Also Like
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
plant them where lol
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.