we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.


I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.


“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
TT: Bingo


who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens


[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]


me: i really need to take a shower

Home Depot security: look i get it, but you have to buy it first


Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages