A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
be smart 😌
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that
oompa loompa: [deep breath]
me: i really need to take a shower
Home Depot security: look i get it, but you have to buy it first
Cop: can you describe your attacker?
J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.