@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

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@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@geekysteven

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

@girlnarly

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

@ComicsHey

[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]

@drivingmemadi

me: i really need to take a shower

Home Depot security: look i get it, but you have to buy it first

@ArfMeasures

Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages