we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You Might Also Like
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.