@KeetPotato

“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back

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@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@krispythehuman

A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.

Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.

@kieransofar

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

@Sam_Posts

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@Sanbel11

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@PetrickSara

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)