Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back
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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.
Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)