I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
These aliens are taking forever.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.