We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.