‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.