We made a comic about a space heater.
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Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
This hospital has everything
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.