We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.


Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!


I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.


my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed


I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.


HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga


[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.


Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.