@ElgatoEsmio: We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
@GoldenSpirals: A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it's stuck in my wiper. I guess I don't have to stop to get supper tonight.
@JayDee422: I'm close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word "awesome" 10 times in a row to describe a guy.