When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.