We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The sacred texts.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*me flirting
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither