@AlanFelyk

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

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@Marlebean

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@

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@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

@VerifiedDrunk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.