We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*lint rolls you awake*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.